What is Romance?

Blaine That's Not His Name asks:

What is a 'normal' romance? Hollywood's versions? What makes a relationship romantic?

I am not qualified to answer this or any other questions I receive here, still I stumble through them. If anyone reading my ramblings has further insight please enlighten us all. I want to know what love is.

Now I'm thinking in lyrics:

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh

Normal is a concept that is hard for me to grasp. What exactly is normal? Will I know it if I experience it? Maybe "normal" is so dull and uninspiring that it rarely coexists with romance. Instead we find ourselves engaging in "abnormal" romances while fantasizing about Hollywood's versions of happily ever after.

What makes a relationship romantic?

Romantic love is unselfish. It involves knowing, REALLY knowing, your partner. It is not something you can force. You have to allow yourself to feel love and to express your feelings in creative ways. As an example, buying someone a dozen red roses is easy, you simply pick up the phone or log on to your computer and order them. The thought is nice, but it requires minimal effort and little imagination. In the right context the gesture is romantic, however, tangible gifts aren't what romance is all about. You can save your cash by conveying your feelings with words, with your touch, with a knowing glance. A romantic relationship is one that transcends the ordinary. It is not rigid, it does not follow a formula. It comes from a deep connection that many couples lack.

You can buy books and learn about romance, but if you aren't taking the time to get to know your lover you are wasting your time.

Are You Listening to Me?

Paul asks:

How important is listening, truly listening, when getting to know a person?

We all know listening is important, but truly listening is a skill that many of us lack. I must confess, I am guilty of selective listening at times. I pick out bits and pieces of the conversation I want to hear and ignore the words I need to hear. This is not something I consciously do. In fact, I am usually unaware of the omissions until I am painfully reminded of their reality. While I find it easy to give my full attention to friends seeking advice, conversations dealing with my own personal issues or relationships often have more static. The intended message is not always the received message. When we are getting to know a person truly listening and hearing the words from their perspective versus our own is extremely important. We can spare ourselves unnecessary drama and heartache if we stay tuned in and ask for clarification.

"Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart." ~Margaret Cho

Can We Be Monogamous?

Liverpool Lady asks:

Are human beings really able to be monogamous their whole lives? Is it unnatural or natural? Is it possible only through having strong moral fiber? What are your thoughts?



I do believe it is possible if the relationship is unselfish and the love genuine. Both partners have to be willing to communicate their feelings at all times. They have to trust each other and accept each other's flaws, and they have to be supportive. Would someone involved in a healthy, exclusive relationship really be tempted to cheat if their significant other was meeting their needs? They might be tempted to look, but not act. I think many people have unrealistic expectations about love and are too quick to forge relationships with partners who are not suited for them. They may focus on appearance and ignore enduring qualities. Physical attraction might carry you through the lust phase, but it takes much more than that to keep you satisfied for a lifetime. There are also men and women who are unable to commit, settling for someone like that will make a person who desires a monogamous relationship miserable.

Romance novels continue to outsell other genres and while I do enjoy reading stories with happy endings that is not always the case. Remaining faithful is difficult if the core elements that make love strong are missing.

Is it unnatural or natural? From a purely physical perspective, monogamous relationships may be unnatural, yet many manage to make them seem quite natural.

Is it possible only through having strong moral fiber? It does take strong moral fiber, a deep desire to make it work, and authentic love to resist temptation.

What are your thoughts?